The role of Loyalty in my life...(part 1)
I was just thinking about my life, where I am and how I got there. And if I had to sum up in one word what got me where, it would be the word "loyalty". When I was growing up, I had a very good mother. She taught me how to read before I started school. No "pre-K" shit, no daycare, just me and mom.I was the first of three children so my mom had that excitement of being a new mom.That was before the invention of "post partum depression" and all those other things women get now that allows some of them to ignore their new children.She didn't know she was supposed to be depressed so she was thrilled to have a new baby.My father was still a little wild, still doing what he wanted to do. Yes he was an extemely hard worker, an intense man, and a good man. But like a lot of young fathers he wasn't ready for a child yet. There were times he would stay out doing his "thing" which was usually gambling or whatever else he was involved in. So when mom wasn't getting the attention she needed from dad, she put all her efforts into raising me. My dad used to bring me home toys from wherever he went.Usually some cheap yet unusual stuff, but I thought they were all "special". So my connection to my dad sort of ended up being the things he gave me. He carved me a wooden gun, which I still have to this day. I cherished everything dad ever gave me. I can go to my mom's attic right now and most of my toys are still intact. I felt that I owed my dad taking care of my things because they reperesented our relationship. I had a vivid imagination, which fostered my love of art and movies and creativity. My mom encouraged me to dream and to draw and also she wanted me to have the love of God she had. I remebered not wanting to go to church as a four year old, remember the spankings and the fear of going to hell my mom and grandmother put in me. As I got older, I didn't fit in at church. When I tried to tell my mother that , she acted as if I had a lack of "loyalty" to her and to God. My father, who had calmed down in later years, basically acted as if going to church was just one of those things you just had to do. Part of the whole "loyalty" thing.My dad's favorite thing to say was "you do what you have to do." I went to church, felt unwelcome and watched the other kids smoking pot and having sex all while I tried to be "loyal" the belief system. Finally I went to a church camp, and the prettiest girl there ( I mean grown woman/playboy pretty) paid me attention. She liked me because I was different. I finally felt like my "loyalty" had paid off. God sent me the prettiest girl in the church and finally I wouldn't be alone anymore. But that wasn't the case. I called her and wrote her and was totally filled with happiness. She ended up with one of the popular "conformists" guys who did all the "popular guy" stuff. So I was heartbroken, but I stayed loyal. I ended up working in the church camps as a councelor because I wanted to "stay loyal" no matter what. And I thought maybe I'd meet another girl, maybe some girl my age would be a camp councelor for the younger kids and I'd meet someone. I had "faith" that it would work out.But it didn't. I ended up working with a guy my age who had dated my "dream girl" I met earlier. I had to hear stories about the girl I liked the whole time. And to top it off the guy was a complete dork. The kind of guy who thinks he's really hot and has all this confidence but he's actually physically ugly. He had these buck teeth and was skinny with a pot belly. He was dark, like he was half south american and half white or somthing. I guess the "tan" got him over on the girls. And it gets worse.The guy running that session of camp was a child predator. He had that "peter pan" complex, kind of like that whole Micheal Jackson thing. He was approaching thirty and would constantly hang out with groups of young boys. They's have water gun and shaving cream fights, and he's wrestle with them. He would pull boys pants down and act like it was an "accident".Everyone in my mom's church thought he was gay,but his parents were very nice people in the church. So "loyalty" to his family allowed the church to put a gay child predator in a position of running a camp with young kids. He thought I saw him and another boy fooling around. I almost walked up on somthing when I was walking the trails outside the camp, but they got themselves together before I actually "saw" anything. So he made up a story about me being rumored to be "smoking pot" at camp, and whe the final day came I was totally ousted from the camp. I was not even recognized as being a councelor. He told the church people he was afraid I'd make the camp "look bad". Now I didn't do any drugs. I did my job, and the kids had no problem with me. My "loyalty" didn't allow me to speculate that this guy was trying to bang kids. Oh I could feel it was going on, but back in the 70's and 80's people looked at outing child predators differently. You had to have a whole lot of proof. Nowdays if you accidently see a child undressed by walking past their room at the wrong time you can be accused. But back then it was all about absolute proof. People acted as if that kind of thing was rare. Especially if it was some "alleged pot somker" accusing some "prominent church member's son".Plus it would embarass my mother if I made these accusations, because his family were more important to the church than she was. She was one of those church women who taught sunday school and prepared meals and actually did "God's work". Not one of those rich people who have all the right friends and get all the credit for keeping the church in business.Church was my mom's life. So I took the humiliation. When parents day came I sat there like an idiot, while all the other kids my age I worked with went up and met the parents, and were "praised for their work with the kids". So in my heart I started to say the hell with these people. The guy ended up being a gay crossdresser who left the church anyway. He finally came out. So I just retreated into myself and developed a "loyalty" to who I was inside. I kept on lifting the weights my dad had given me at 15 years old. I felt I would be loyal and respect his gift by showing him I would get muscular and in shape. One year prior to that, my dad's sister came to stay with us. She used to be a pretty woman. Her Italian immigrant husband had those "control issues" he brought from the "old country" I guess. He beat her and took her kids away. She left New York and moved all the way to the other side of the country in San Diego. She became addicted to countless prescriptions. Now she wasn't like these "Oxycotin" junkies of today. She took everything you could imagine for "illnesses" or pain or whatever. She wasn't the kind of woman to steal or lie for drugs. She just had all these medications she felt she needed to live. She came to visit us and had a bag full of pill bottles. If you'd cough, she's offer you a pill. Yawn, offer you a pill to wake you up. She wasn't what you'd call a "drug addict" in the classic sense. She was never "high". Just medicated. I saw a sadness in her I had never seen in anyone before. A sadness a woman gets who feel she has no more options. Before she left she gave me a 3 speed bike that she didn't ride anymore. I saw her misery. I felt I owed it to her to do somthing positive with her "gift". I was a slightly overweight kid at the time. I rode her bike all summer, cahnged my diet,and lost all my "baby fat " I had as a young kid. I wrote her a letter and told her how she helped change my life with her gift. I felt a sense of loyalty to her as a person. I felt maybe she'd see she was still able to make a difference in a kid's life. So if it wasn't for loyalty, I'd proably be a fat guy or less happy person today.So loyalty paid off for me in some ways. But as I got older , I realized many people don't have the same concept of life as I do. Many people I helped out decided my help was just some sort of character flaw or weakness on my part. I worked on the good and bad sides of the track. During all these years of running and opening businesses , helping friends, being a husband and father , loyalty or lack therof has played a big part in my success and failures. But that's another article for another day.Think about these things, and have a great day...
New way to view Hollywood...
I get sick of the crap put out by Hollywood and I have a right to-I watch a LOT of movies. I actually have the state record at the local video store for rentals.I'm like a "VIP"(that word makes me sick as you know) member. I have this average of 4 movies a week, sometimes 6 or even more.We also had netflix and got 4 movies at a time from them.And add that to all the stuff I watch on the internet. I got no real vices like smoking, drinking or drugs so I guess having sex with my wife, fucking with the internet,reading,working out ,art and movies are my hobbies. The only think that really costs me money is movies and the net bill. Now I can work out for an hour and still watch a movie. I know personal trainers say this isn't the way to work out but fuck 'em. I've been consistently working out for almost 23 years. I'm old now and I work my ass off in construction plus put in 5/6 hours a week of working out. So at this point the diversion isn't hurting me.Better to watch a movie lifting weights than eating cookies on the couch. I don't always do this of course, but sometimes it breaks the monotony. So the other day I'm working out and just get irritated by this stupid film. It just seems like everything in hollywood has to have a hidden agenda and the ignorant don't see it yet are influinced by it. The other people, the "don't want to see past my nose" crowd are another group. They are the biggest critics who say things are not that way, that I'm "reading too much into it". Yet these are the same people who seem to be the most brainwashed by media yet don't know it.They're also the people who are more likeley to believe a conspiracy about George Bush blowing up the WTC. Yet there's the undisputed fact that Michael Moore who made an anti Bush film and called out Haliburton , or George Sorros who owns Move on .org , the anti Bush leader BOTH own stock in the company that blame for the Iraq war.Bit there's no conspiracy here is there? No , just facts that support a dirty motherfucker. I mean after fahrenheit 9/11 talking about all the money the oil company was going to make in Iraq , wouldn't you think the stock would go up? Funny how these guy own all this stock , make these films and then still hold the stocks in the company they're bashing. But no one sees this as a "conspiracy" because these people are FILMAKERS, who are ARTISTS, and are the good honest people trying to wake us up. Film makers are seen as guiding lights because they are artists, and when an artist makes a statement it's looked at more objectively than say a politician or a relegeous leader. But I say it's time to wake up and start thinking of Hollywood in another way. Nowdays Hollywood is promoted two ways.1) films that are obviously marketing and all about money, like your Spider Mans and your Jurrasic parks , Star Wars etc. and cheezy comedies or horror films, or even disney/family stuff.A lot of these films have huge marketing tie ins, games, fast food promotions etc.in other words stuff is made for profit.or 2) the "artistic" films that are trying to be entertaining yet make a statement. Anything you want to put in these films is looked at as plausable material, and anyone who makes a statement against them is considered a prude or a person against free speech. You can have child rape, sympathy for drug dealers and users, of couse all you glorification of anything from excuses for terrorism and pushing gay lifestyles to a woman murdering their children. And the new trend is making movies about how bad Mexicans or Arabs are treated.The ONLY thing that is off limits is anything that put the Christian religeon in a positive light. I mean it's kind of silly you can's make a biblical movie about Jesus without catching hell. He was brought to the Romans by Jews to be crucified because the Jewish leadership wanted him crucified. OK , understood. Hitler order the murder of Jews, we can make a movie about him can't we? Is a Hitler film "anti' german"? Yet a film depicting Jews in the biblical account ordering the death of Jesus is considered "ANTI-SEMETIC. " I'm one the most pro-Israel guys around. I see nothing here but a story being depicted on screen.Even if you think the bible is a work of fiction, wouldn't the Jewish element give the maker of the film "artistic license" to make the film? Or should he change the Jewish characters to white males. Maybe white males who own businesses, they seem to be the only bad guys left. Same thing with making all these terrorists into Euro or Anglo or American white males. Funny how people can see a secret agenda in a guy like Mel Gibson making a Jesus film based on the bible which he did not write.And the bible is not an anti Jewish book. But they can't see an agenda in a movie like "happy feet" or "ocean's 11". Now before you say "well Gibson said stuff about Jews" well any idiot can see why that happened. He said that AFTER being run down for years for being a Jew hater because of his father. He got drunk and made a smart remark.I have a similar personality.If I was accused of somthing I didn't do(which I have been) I've gotten angry and said things to incite things becuause I hate my motives being mis judged and if people want to believe shit they will. I look at the big picture, as do many people. Christians do not hate Jews for the most part. They feel bonded with the Jews. Our nation supports Israel for this reason, we share a common origin for our beliefs and Chiristians feel Jews are their brothers. Jews have no desire to blow us up. And have these people forgotten Jesus was also born a Jew? The media simply wanted to seperate Jews and Christians because they hate the whole concept of Chritianity, they hate Israel and support Palestine, and anything that weakens that bond is fine to them. But first before I go further let me take you to a different place. A place where we open our minds and think people besides the polititians have hidden agendas and conspiracies. And top fully "get it" you have to realize that every character has a reason for being cast that way, that people's personal opinions are written into characters, the way they view the world is created by a writer. When you see a commerical where the black guy is hot and getting the (white) girl and the white guy is weak and getting a door slammed in his face, someone actually sat down and factored RACE into that. They didn't just do a casting call for guys and the black guy was the best actor. They PLAN those things. The same thing for kids shows. They portray white fathers as inferior because they're WRITTEN that way. They make gay characters the good guys because someone decided that was the way they wanted it. Think of it like pro wrestling. You already know this guy turns on this guy for the big match etc. it's easy to see it's all about character development and pushing a particular character one way or the other. But people get caught up in films , especially kid's films, and see no agenda. So let's look at a few films and break down their agendas. One of my favorite current examples is "Happy Feet". First you have a dancing penguin. You can't get more ethnic than dancing. Dancing is "owned" by minorities. When people think dancing, they think black,latin, etc. White guys are not known as the best dancers for the most part. Dancing is "cool" , it's fun and it has to do with being hot, young, modern and happy. Serious minded people are't dancers. The issue of the "stuffy religeous penguins who don't dance" is brought up. They believe in "the great wind". THis dancing penguin reminds me of all these stupid kids running around trying to be rappers or American Idols. The whole "follow your dreams no matter what" message is not for everyone. My 18 year old nephew threw his job application in trash with this same mentality. He wants to be on one of those "Pimp My Ride" shows, so he's not getting a job and beleving his dream will come true one day. I'm one of those bad guys on the disney cartoon when I tell him he needs a job. Meanwhile he'll go on to probably smoke weed and imagine the entertainment business and tell himself how Dave Chapelle and Snoop made it by smoking weed.So this penguin has found all of life's answers come from dancing. And by the end of the movie, dancing, not "the great wind" has saved the day. The whole "great wind" of course represents religeon itself. The old, non dancing penguins learn from the "wize young dancing penguin" .Their "great wind" is a lie. Dancing solves everything, faith does not. Except of course "faith in yourself" , because there is no God in the world of disney propoganda. Just a lot of pagan faries and shit.So now we come to the other message of "happy feet" , fishing is bad, it kills penguins, and dancing causes the fishing boats to leave the land of the penguins. The fishermen are the bad guys. Kids are being taught that eating fish, cows, chickens and everything else is evil.You think kids don't look at it this way but they get these messages that you're the old ass penguin and God is the great wind and fuck education I'll be a dancer/rapper/ entertainer and save the day. After years and years of movies mocking any God you can't see, and making that "old people's ways" and making entertanment the "end all" of life, kids just take it for granted that religeon is a joke for the old. Look at the movie "Babel". The mexican illegals are good, the arabs are these helpful great people, the US governent made up of white folks is bad. On the film "Fast Food Nation" the Illegals are good guys, the white business owners are bad guys using the "poor illegals" the young college Bush hating liberals are "good" . And what I really hate are these damn bank robbery/heist films where the leader of the "theft ring" has this big "no guns" policy. Of course, it's OK to rob folks as long as you don't use a gun and are a gentleman about it.Just watch "Ocean's 11", "Gone in Sixty Seconds", and a lot of older heist/robbery/theft films The communist party believes in taking guns away and doesn't belive in capatialism. This film formula came from those writers with communist backgrounds. See the funny thing is the "Hollywood Blacklist" and Joseph Mccarthy didn't get people who weren't card carrying commnuists as the re written history proclaims. Look at the details. All the people blacklisted in Hollywood were REAL COMMUNISTS who raised money for the communist party and had ties to the Soviet Union. Even Robert Redford used to sponsor film festivals in Cuba and we all know how Jane Fonda went to North Vietnam. The original Hollywood blacklist consited of writers who were trying to change America's values through film. They had a definitive plan, they had rules in place to push that agenda. Just like if you go to a job, the boss has on job rules that promote the company philiosophy. he people has the same thing, pro communist themes were forced into the films. Now those of you born in the late 70's or 80's have no understanding of what Communism is because you weren't old enough to understand "The Cold War". When I was a kid, there was the constant worry of nuclear war from communist nations, the Soviet Union was actually trying to take over the world. They put missiles in Cuba right under Florida, they tried to inflitrate South America. The problem is nowdays that there are so many communist influniced college professors and teachers that kids are told communism is this magical solution to everything. The Soviet Union collapsed because communism and socailsim doesn't work. Bush is seen as a "dictator" by today's young idiots because they're never seen a truly "evil empire" and a true super power who are really trying to take over the world. They have no clue. SO what's happened is we have a new "communist agenda" and anyone who tried to point it out will be blackballed like Senator McCarthy. Mc Carthy was right, he uncovered REAL communist, and REAL agendas in the studios in a time when people were trying to take over our country form the inside. It's a shame that so many people who understand communism/socialism/marxism feel there is no "threat" anymore. The liberals in Hollywood were always the biggest supporters. Every time Mccarthy uncovered a communist fund raiser it was always attended by Hollywood liberals, who felt they would be the "communist elite" those who would be allowed to keep their wealth in a communist state. We still at least identify liberals in this country, many of whom have communist beleifs. Funny how the liberals are still the biggest opponent of the United States and the way we are. Always talking about how we are "hated" around the world. Well look at it in a ghetto way. In ghettoisms being "hated" means the "hater" is just jealous. Maybe if these stupid kids looked everything the same way they'd get at least one fifth of what's going on. The problem is they only look at "cool issues" in a ghetto way, and "white man's issues" in the opposite way.Think abou that and have a great day..
