I'm depressed...kind of.

I have just not been feeling like me as of late. I just want to do better financialy. I hate getting old without being rich. It sucks. Today I watched a old video I filmed when I was 15. I realized something.Before I get ahead of myself let me give you the background.

Now I've written this story on my myspace blog, but I felt a different kind of angle on the story today. I See years ago I was made to go to church camp. Everyone hated me there. Then one year a pretty Italian girl payed me attention. She was attractive, but it wasn't just that. I liked the fact she was interested in ME. We talked. We had things in common.I totally felt like all the pain I had felt , the lack of friends, this could come to an end if I played my cards right. I had to find a way to stand out. To be "special". In charge of something. My dad loved technology. Even when we were broke, he always ended up getting a hold of cool shit. Stuff no one else had in the neighborhood. He used to spend a lot of time in Italy and the Phillipines. He brought back stuff like reel to reel tape recorders and super 8 movie cameras. So when VHS video cameras came out he had one. And I mastered using it. So he actually brought it down to the camp and let me film all the activities. Of course I had to film my "girl" doing her thing. This made me kind of "special". People had to know I was around because I was filming all the activity. I filmed people doing all the boating, archery, gun shooting shit that they did at camp. And the girl thought it was cool. It gave me sort of a "job" at the camp. Well threw a bunch of old stuff out last week. I found the old tape. And I felt something totally different.

I watched everyone else doing shit. But I wasn't really doing anything but watching. And I'm never on the tape. It's like I didn't exist. Now don't get me wrong, I probably wouldn't be doing the stuff anyway because a lot of the people were assholes and didn't want me participating. Well there were times when They'd act like I was welcome, in front of authority figures, adults who wanted to think I was a loser anyway. Some idiot in the "click" would try to act like "hey Tony why didn't you do this or do that?" in front of the right people. So that way the adults could feel I was "excluding myself" and it had nothing to do with the "in crowd" shit. See back then there was no shit about "everyone's a winner" and "everything is fair".All this liberal crap hadn't taken over yet. I found a way to participate on my own. By "archiving" the things going on.

But today I felt something else. I felt left out. I felt like I'm still left out. I looked at the shit and realized I'm not invited to shit. I remembered how my filming was cool until it got looked at as "weird". The "pretty boy" at camp, mr. sports jock etc. started this shit. The jerk off my mother would say "why don't you make friends with him?" about. He had the looks, the talent, all the "charm" shit going on. His family was one of the most popular families at the church. The girl I liked totally decided to quit talking to me and avoid me on the last three days we were there. I figured out my "plans" for "settling" and my "making lemonade out of lemons" all my life never works in the end. And I felt hate and resentment for all the stupid ass kids I grew up with. The ones in the film. The "popular sports playing asshole" who ended up dating the girl I liked a year later. I hated the adults I saw. The "youth director" looked like an asshole. I found myself muttering curse words at the screen when I would see certain people. I remember feeling good that some of the girls got fat since then. Or they had bad lives. I hated all those self centered little shallow jerk off kids.

I figured something else out as well. I watched "Mr. Popular's" expressions. Now years later I am a master at reading people. Anyone who knows me can attest to this. I figured out what happened. There was a time I was sitting next to the girl I liked. Mr. popular already had a girlfriend. But I noticed the looks he gave her. As he was walking down a hill from target practice. This look at my camera that said " What the hell is this little jerk off trying to do?" The looks of disapproval aimed right at the girl. He probably said off the cuff shit to other guys. Like "what's up with Tony and the camera?" just enough to make what I was doing look fucked up. So as the week went by, even though I put down the camera, the damage was done. Something I did to help myself out socially ended up making me look like a freak.

I still went home with a warm feeling. A feeling that I had met someone special. I wrote her a letter, and thanked her for helping me to feel "welcome". Thanks for her friendship. She was the first girl to ever give me a phone number. I still have it memorized to this day. Rather that think I was a good guy and senscere and sensitive and all that shit, She looked at me with "pity" after that. And one day after churchI got invited to "Mr. popular's" house.My mom thought this was great for me.But I knew there had to be a "catch". Then I found out why. He always looked like the "good kid". He was the kid everyone wanted to have, good looking, good at sports, liked by everyone,even the "bad kids" and teachers included.He found a way to dump his girlfriend. She was another "popular" girl at church who had multiple boyfriends.He made it look like she "got around" too much. He played that one off and still no one thought he was being and asshole.

He called the girl I liked while I was at his house. Now all this was after I had brought her up, and even confided in this asshole I really liked her. He was using me to look like he was trying to befriend "pitiful loser" who had "hit on her" at camp. Me being at his house and saying a brief "hello " to the girl made her like this asshole even more. She could care less about me. But her "future man" was such a great guy for trying to make the "loser" fit in. I had to go to church every Sunday and watch those two sit together. I remember how he had about 100 trophies on his wall. And to this guy, she was just another trophy. They had no chemisty, never talked, just walked around looking pretty and smiling together. I had liked her because I thought she was funny, and nice. Not just because she was pretty.

I wanted a pretty girlfriend so bad back then. Just wanted to be able to walk in that door and say "look at me people.I got someone too!" I used to fantasize about meeting a really hot chick and being see out with her. But I didn't just want a "pretty" woman. I wanted a girl who didn't give a shit what anyone thought of me or her. Someone who didn't really need friends because she had me. A girl who had my back and I had hers.I never got my revenge. Yeah I know maybe some of it is a little shallow but fuck it. I wanted to show them I was just as desirable as this asshole was.

Years later an after many many women, I met my wife, who is hot and doesn't give a damn what anyone thinks. She is a great mother and she takes care of her man. And I'm almost 40 and still muscular, maybe a little bald , not perfect. But I actually look better than most "pretty boys" I grew up with do now at 40. I tried harder. But damn it was a lot of work. Years of trying, years of being hurt. And even though I'm doing well in one area still want to do better in my overall life. I'm tired of waiting for my "ship" to come in. I just want to be able to give my wife the best. I want to be able to tell her "she doesn't have to work", because I can pay for her car, and all the "extras" that she has to work for. But she likes to work so who knows it she'd even go for it if I could.

I guess the point is, even though it all works out for us at times, sometimes we wish we had "won" more often. I know failing and pain is part of life. But I just wish some of those idiots like Paris Hilton types who have it too easy could trade luck with me. I mean I've had more than enough failure in life to build "character." So maybe I could have it easy for a while while Paris got some "life lessons." I just want to win more often. I put the heart and the work into it. But today that is a losing formula. It's more about luck and bullshit. Think about that and have a great day.

posted by anthonygrieco @ 7:59 PM Comments: 0